#1: “Wow, you look like a beached whale.”
True story: I’m lying on the bed, its August and I’m eight months pregnant in this God-forsaken town where nobody has air conditioners, waking up from a nap. I open my bleary eyes to witness this incredibly stupid thing coming from my usually-intelligent husband.
Okay, boys, let’s get this straight: there’s really not any circumstance in which this is a wise statement from you; but do not be so rash as to let it escape you while your wife is pregnant. For obvious reasons.
A Better Choice: “I’m so grateful to you for carrying our child!”
#2: “Honey, can you get up and get me a beer?”
“Why no, honey, I can’t. You see, I’ve got this 25-pound stomach holding me down, making it nearly impossible for me to get out of this chair without actually rolling onto my hands and knees, from which position I would have to crawl over to the couch and press myself into a standing position slowly, then waddle – actually waddle – into the kitchen to get you…What was it? A BEER? So no, you will have to indulge me by getting your own d**n beer. Oh, and while you’re up can you get me an ice cream sandwich?”
A Better Choice: “Honey, can I get you anything while I’m up? Some ice cream? A sandwich? A new car?”
#3: Is that normal?
This story was told to me by a very patient woman…
“During my first pregnancy with our daughter, my husband was quite awe-struck with the whole transformation my body was undertaking. His common phrase throughout the pregnancy was "Is that normal?" For example during the first trimester I was lying on the couch, fatigue had taken over and nausea was ebbing and flowing, when Jason enters the room and haphazardly asks, "Wow you sure have been lying around a lot… is that normal?" Little did I know that from this point on, he make his standard inquiry at every turn. Granted, this was new for both of us, but the insistent worry, curiosity or whatever you want to call it eventually got to me.
Finally in the last week of pregnancy while we were walking the neighborhood (or should I say we were s l o w l y inching around the neighborhood), he gently and with all the sweetness he could muster said, "Honey, it sure seems like this is taking a long time and you seem so uncomfortable. Is that normal?" I replied with mild restraint and as sweetly as I could muster, "Love, in the very near future I will be pushing a rather large child out of my body with no medication or other numbing agents.
I will be uncomfortable, sweaty, and otherwise not at my best self for many, many hours and just so we are clear... it will probably hurt like hell and yes it will all be completely normal." I am grateful that during the remainder of the pregnancy and throughout the labor, the question did not arise again. After Sierra was born and she was nursing contentedly for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, in a bleary sleepy haze he asked, "Honey, she sure does eat a lot. Is that normal?" After-which I sweetly replied, “Absolutely, Honey."
A Better Choice: “Isn’t pregnancy a beautiful thing?”
#4: “You’re really sexy.”
At first glance, this might not look like such a bad thing to say, but let me just put this into perspective for you. Even if you are able to say this with absolutely no sarcasm in your voice, with a completely straight face and a heart-felt belief in your words, she’ll never believe you. There’s really nothing you can say to convince her that you’re not lying through your teeth to try to gain some sinful end. Don’t try it.
A Better Choice: “Wow, I sure am a lucky man!”
#5: “You look like a beach ball in a tennis dress.”
Look, pregnancy bathing suits are hideous at best. I don’t see you trying to camouflage a twenty-five pound lump in your belly with a few scraps of spandex and a ruffle. Related to this statement are things like, “Wow, your butt sure is getting bigger!” and “Don’t you have something to wear that doesn’t make you look so round?” (These are actual, stupid remarks made by actual, stupid men. Really.)
A Better Choice: Well, there isn’t really a better choice for this one. Just keep your mouth shut and everybody will make it out alive.
#6: “How long do you think it’ll take to lose all that weight?”
Um, what did you just say?
A Better Choice: “You sure do have that pregnancy glow!”
#7: “Don’t you think it’s better for the baby if you have a drug-free delivery?”
Let me tell you at what point you’ll get to make this choice for your wife: NEVER. She will do the absolute best she can to manage her pain in a healthy way. Your job is to believe in her and in her ability to make great choices for her own body. Of course, as the father and loving partner, you do have a right to your opinion. If this is a question you’re feeling the need to broach with your wife, it’s best to tread carefully.
A Better Choice: “Honey, you’re so wonderful! Thank you for going through all of this to have my baby! So, how do you plan on managing your pain and how can I support you?”
#8: “Are you sure you should have another bowl of ice cream?”
Your obvious concern for your wife’s health and wellbeing is touching, to those of us who are not pregnant and slightly emotional. Your wife, however, will not hear your words. She will hear this, “You’re fat.” Even if she’s not fat, she will still hear, “You’re fat.” In fact, there may be days when she will hear phrases like, “Are you done with dinner?” and “I don’t really like that dress” and “Hi” as “You’re fat.” The sooner you adapt to this new reality, the better.
A Better Choice: “Can I get you anything else while I’m up?”
#9: “Does the baby really need another….?”
It seems silly that teeny, tiny babies require so much stuff to be happy and healthy, doesn’t it? I mean, all they do is eat and sleep, right?
WRONG! Didn’t you know? Your infant is now a fashion model! Your wife will want to dress him up about six times a day – not to mention the spit-ups and diaper issues that will require even more clothing changes. For some women, this is a deeply satisfying aspect of motherhood – an actual, living, breathing doll that gets all the “oohs” and “ahs” a girl could hope for. Remember, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that will never come back. Let her have some fun!
A Better Choice: “Sweetie, there’s still some room on the credit card…”
#10: “Do you think we should have another one?”
Think deeply about your motive here, because there are several ways this one can go – and none of them are pretty. No matter what you hope to hear in response to this question, it will generally only serve to put your hormone-laden wife on the defensive.
Never, never, never ask someone whose ankles have swollen to roughly the size of her head if she’d like to do it again. It’s kind of like asking someone with kidney stones if their hospital stay was nice. It wasn’t.
A Better Choice: “I’m so grateful to you for carrying our child!”
As you can see, you’re in a precarious position, as the loving partner of a person who is physically and emotionally changing every single day. Just try to be patient and loving and kind. And remember: when in doubt, the wise man will always keep his head down and his mouth shut.
Show/Hide Comments
Show/Hide Comment Entry Form
