Womb to Bloom - Maternity & Beyond

“Baby-wearing” seems to be the hot, new thing in infant care/maternal fashion lately. Baby slings come in many different styles, fabrics, patterns and brands. The trend is furthered by the countless photos of celebrity mothers “wearing” their new babies.

Slings have been around for a long time – but were not what you would call mainstream until the last few years. I can recall seeing a few at Babies R Us when I was pregnant with my second child but I stuck with the tried-and-true Baby Bjorn front-pack. By the time I was pregnant with my twins a few years later, the slings were everywhere. And along with it, the attachment parenting movement.

Like the vocal pro-breastfeeding contingent and the equally vocal anti-vaccine delegation, proponents of attachment parenting (AP) seem to be extremely passionate about their choice. I realize that attachment parenting is much more than “baby-wearing” (and that many who use slings aren’t AP parents). But I’ll be honest, the little I do know of AP seems exhausting. More so than “mainstream” parenting.

Attachment parenting is the phrase used to describe extremely responsive or attentive child care. The focus is on physical and emotional closeness between a baby and its parents. This closeness is supposed to allow the parents to recognize and tend to the baby’s needs easily. AP parents don’t let their babies “cry it out.” They generally breastfeed, co-sleep, and baby wear. Even to the point that many refuse to use a stroller at all.

I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. The general idea is that society fosters a false need for children to become independent at an early age but that this independence severs the deep trust and attachment that children should have with their parents. Attachment parenting stresses carrying and holding babies for most of the day – thus the slings and no strollers. Attachment parenting practitioners usually have their babies in the family bed or in some co-sleeping arrangement. Lengthy breastfeeding is another way this deep attachment is fostered.

I absolutely won’t judge those who choose some form of attachment parenting – and, in mix-and-match terms, I can even see how some form of it could be feasible for my family. But I’m generally a person who sees the danger of extremes. Danger may be a strong word – but I would certainly be concerned about “issues” arising. Total conformity to the AP lifestyle, it seems to me, creates a completely child-centered system. Everything is about baby/child, all the time. My concern is that the real world doesn’t function that way.

The flip side, of course, is a family in which the child’s needs are always trumped by those of the parents and the child is not cuddled, held or bonded to its parents. Clearly, this extreme end of the spectrum is neglect.

But in between these extremes is my family (which is not perfect by any means, but I think I’ve got four great kids). I nursed two of my four – the others refused. The longest I breastfed was four months. We rarely had our first child in bed with us. The second slept with us periodically when she was still breastfeeding. The last two were in our room (either in a crib or in our bed) for about three and a half months. The night they moved upstairs to their own room was a huge relief to me. My husband and I could finally sleep, really sleep, without listening to grunts, giggles and gas all night.

We did let all of our babies “cry it out.” It didn’t take long – just a few nights in each case. Despite what some AP fans suggest might happen, I believe all of our children to be well-adjusted, well-mannered and very affectionate little beings. I feel no resentment from the kids for those few nights of crying – especially when I’m being showered with hugs and slobbery kisses.

Ditto on the 24/7 “in-arms” idea. No stroller? Really? I just don’t think that putting your baby down for a while is forcing independence on her. And wearing a baby while doing everything would be very taxing on me physically and mentally. Kudos to those whom it does not affect in that way. But I would probably get so frustrated that I would go insane. And when choosing between crazy, baby-wearing mom and sane, non-baby-wearing mom, my guess is that most people would choose sane mom despite her baby-wearing failures.

As in so many areas of life, I feel that balance is the key here. Balance the needs of parents and children. Balance the physical attachment and the “independence.” Balance the desire to address every whimper and the reality of a world in which your child is not omnipotent. Obviously, AP parents have the best interests of their children at heart – how can you knock that? I have a slightly different view of parenting – but the same interests at the end of the day. Well-adjusted, loving children.