Okay, I just have to ask: was anybody else terrified that her husband wouldn’t want to have sex with her anymore after watching the birth of the baby? Not to mention after watching my now-65-pound larger rear-end struggle to fit into jeans again?
Here’s the good news: my husband did still want to have sex. (Apparently, they actually still love their wives even after seeing what they saw: and some love their wives even more! Can you believe it?!) And he was way more concerned with my obsession about my weight gain than the actual weight gain itself. He knew I’d work to regain a healthy weight. He just wasn’t that fussed about it.
I was.
I was really, really fussed about it. I’ve never been a thin woman and I’ve had to work on my self image for most of my life. The pregnancy weight gain brought up every single body image issue I’d ever had and magnified it for all to see (like my now-giant rear).
Two weeks before the end of my first pregnancy, I had this vivid dream: I was wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans again! I remember happily thinking when I woke up, “Just a couple more weeks and I’ll be back in my favorite jeans!” I just didn’t realize how much weight I’d gained during the pregnancy and I thought I’d pop right back into my “old” body as soon as the baby was born. Well, I didn’t. Needless to say, it was even worse with my second pregnancy.
And yet, even though I struggled with my weight, I couldn’t diet because I was breastfeeding my baby. And I was so hungry! All the time! And whenever I tried to work out, my baby would scream or dirty her diaper or I would be totally winded after five minutes and I’d have to sit down and cry.
And it wasn’t just the weight: it was the stretch marks and the sagging skin and the acne.
It was the random comments that hurt me so deeply. One young cousin said, “It looks like you’re still pregnant!” I tried to laugh it off, but it sure did hurt. And was it just me, or did every other commercial on TV involve very thin super-models in lingerie? I felt so victimized by my life and by my own body.
Luckily for me, I know that I’m not a victim and I shut down that negative thinking right away. Well, I didn’t shut it down so much as turn down the volume a good deal. The voices were still there – I just learned to stop paying attention to them. Or so I thought.
About six months after the birth of my second baby, I was at a party with five or six other couples and we were deep in one of those helpful, philosophical conversations that aid our sanity. A friend had asked, “Do you have regular negative thoughts that seem to chase you day after day?” I had answered “no” because I tend to be a very up, optimistic person. But my best friend called me out, saying, “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but not a conversation goes by when you don’t make a negative comment about your body. You must be thinking about it all the time!”
Of course she was right. I was making these negative comments within and out loud all the time and I didn’t even realize it. But once I was able to recognize it, I was able to do something about it.
The first thing I did was begin a regime of “I love me.” I actually stood naked before the mirror every day for a few minutes and told myself how lucky I was to be in my body. It had made such a beautiful baby! It was working so hard to support not only my life, but my little baby’s, too! I still had beautiful hair and eyes and I still loved my long, graceful hands. Eventually, I was able to love ALL of me – from the toes that weren’t painted as often but did just as much work, to my luscious hair – a gift from my own mother. I was eventually even able to see my stretch marks as badges of honor, symbols of my wonderful babies.
A healthy self-image always starts in the mind. No matter what you look like, if you don’t love yourself, you will pick on yourself. It’s really that simple. If you aren’t yet able to authentically say, “I love you”, you can work up to it. What do you love about yourself? Make a list of your best five attributes and every day add something to that list until you begin to realize what a wonder you are.
Before I knew it, I was able to think more positively about my body. And then, and only then, I was able to do something about all that baby weight. I started a less ambitious, more realistic exercise routine. Even though the pounds weren’t exactly dropping off in droves, I was loosing weight and feeling better about myself.
The real breakthrough came that summer when I was able to work out regularly and take long bike rides with my family most evenings after dinner and nice, long hikes on the weekends. Suddenly I was active and joyful and living life and the weight just started to melt off. Even though it felt good to start dropping sizes and feeling good in my clothes again, I can pinpoint the turning point: it was definitely when I was able to love myself despite the extra weight that I started to feel joyful and less, well, mental about it all.
Now my youngest child is three years old and I still have a few pounds to go before I see my pre-pregnancy jeans again, but I feel great and I know that I’m a great model for her for love and acceptance of Self. This might just be the best reason to work on body image issues.
Remember, it’s not just for you, it’s for your children, too. I recently read that in 1970 the average age of a girl who started dieting was 14; by 1990 the average dieting age fell to 8. And it’s not just our girls: more and more boys are being diagnosed with eating disorders, too. Guess who they’re learning these body-image issues from? For the most part, they’re learning it from their mothers and the media.
So if you find yourself making negative comments about your body, think twice. You deserve to feel good about yourself – even when you’re carrying extra pounds. And your children deserve the healthiest role model for how to feel great about themselves.
One other thing to keep in mind about body image: it’s okay to ask for help! Talk to your friends. Ask them to help you notice when you’re being negative. Ask them to help you plan healthier meals or to walk with you a couple of times a week (I love to combine exercise with a chance to chat with my girls!).
I even have a friend who called me up once and asked me to tell her three good things about her. She was having a major self-esteem melt-down and just needed a little positive reinforcement. She felt so embarrassed to make such a request, but I felt so honored that she would call me up and ask me. Your friends won’t judge you if you ask for help: they’ll support you 100%!
Do whatever it takes to battle those destructive, negative thoughts about yourself. Your body is a wonder. It created life! Celebrate yourself and your achievements. Give yourself a break and learn to love yourself. The good news that with a little inner work and healthy living, you really can learn to love the body you’re in.
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