After the newborn visits were over and everyone had come to ooh and aah over my little baby...After the crazy emotions, the highs and lows, of the pregnancy and delivery were over and done with… After my husband went back to work and my son went back to school and my mother went back to Texas...then the realities of being a stay-at-home mom set in. As much as I adored my precious baby girl – a love that grew with every single moment, so much so that at times I thought I would burst with it all – I started to feel stifled and little and unfulfilled.
How could this be? I was finally getting the chance to fulfill my lifelong dream of staying home with my children. I knew on a deep level that staying home was important for my family; I could support my husband better, volunteer more with my son and be more involved in his school work, and I would have that precious time to bond with my baby girl and create the structure of our lives together. So why did it all feel so wrong?
I had a nice long talk with my midwife and we agreed that it wasn’t post-partum depression or even the baby blues. It wasn’t that I was sad or emotional. After a while I was finally able to put my finger on it: I was lonely. Isn’t it funny that I spent every single moment in the company of my baby, but I still felt lonely? Of course, I realize now that it’s because of my deep craving for adult friendships – the help and intimacy that only comes from being in relationship with like-minded adults.
Looking back, I can see how starved I was for support. My husband was a love, but one person can’t be all to someone. I needed community. And what’s more, I desperately needed connection.
What makes us think that we have to do it all on our own? If you look back over the course of human evolution, you’ll see how new our way of life is. With the industrial revolution of the 19th century, suddenly people started moving away from their family’s villages to the cities to work. This is when we started to loose our sense of community and the support that living near extended family brings. Few of us live in the same towns we grew up in and many of us feel isolated in our homes.
When you bring a new baby home, you have a chance to restructure your life. (Some would say that having a newborn forces you to restructure your life!) This is your opportunity to create healthy patterns that will feed you and your family for years to come.
When I say “create new patterns,” I don’t mean that you have to start making lots of big changes right away. Sometimes it seems like a major victory when you can just accomplish a shower in the day! What I’m talking about is learning how to notice when things aren’t working and taking the time to make the small changes that will lead down the path of fulfillment as the years go by.
So what are these changes I’m talking about? First of all, it’s imperative that you are taking care of yourself – physically and emotionally. I know that when you have a newborn in the house, self-care is the first thing to go. But let me tell you this: you will have more joy in your life when you know that you are strong and healthy and when you feel good about yourself. These aren’t things that just “happen.” It takes work to take care of yourself. You must take the time to eat right, to exercise, to rest and to do the things that feed your soul.
It’s about connecting within so that you have the ability to make those great outward connections. Your inner life is the basis of everything that goes on around you: your experiences, your relationships, your joy – it all stems from your inner world and your self esteem and your emotions. Did you know that your physical health is intimately tied to your emotional health?
Once you’ve laid that foundation of health for yourself and your family, then it’s time to look around you at the other circumstances in your life. How are your relationships? Do you have people that you can turn to when you’re feeling frustrated or scared or angry? Do you ever get out of the house and have fun? Here’s one thing I’ve learned after two children: with the first baby you tend to cocoon in and stay at home and hibernate. With the second baby, you just pack it up and take it along because you’re no longer willing to go without those rich life experiences that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Here are some ideas about what you can do to foster great relationships in your life.
- Reach out. Often, there are lots of people waiting in the wings to support us, if only we would reach out to them. Sometimes it’s hard to be vulnerable and admit that we need support. I say, “Get Over It!” It’s so much more valuable to admit you need help and get it than to just struggle along trying to cope. I’ll bet you can think of at least three people who would love to help you right now. Pick up the phone and make a call.
- Make connections. Maybe you don’t have three people who you can call right now. Maybe it’s time for you to make some new connections in your community. There are amazing Mom’s Clubs in almost every town now. They have lots of play dates, with and without the children, and they are all about connection. Since the births of my children, I have made friendships that are helpful and fulfilling on a deep, spiritual level and it’s because we share the burdens and the joys of raising our children. Without these friendships, my life would be drab, colorless.
- Give of yourself. Do you ever feel like your world has just gotten a little too small? Like it’s all diapers and milk and lullabies. These things are all wonderful, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that life has to be more than one dimensional in order for you to be happy and fulfilled. There has to be more. You might find this hard to believe, but a great way to broaden your life – even with a newborn – is to volunteer your time. Even just an hour or two a week can significantly change your outlook on life. There are people out there who need you and it can feel so good to give. You might be thinking, “But I can barely handle my life now – and you want me to add something else?!” Yes. Experience has taught me that when you make time for others, time for yourself almost magically appears. Try it!
- Reconnect with family. This is such a special time in your life and it’s the perfect time to heal those old family patterns and create a healthy, loving, supportive relationship with your family of origin. This can be especially important if there are old family traumas to be healed. You don’t want to carry that old, heavy energy any longer. Heal the past so you can move forward with confidence into the future! It feels so wonderful to be supported by the people who have known you your whole life and love you like no one else could.
Show/Hide Comments
Show/Hide Comment Entry Form
