It’s what got you into this predicament. But now that you’re pregnant, sex can morph from a wonderful part of your marriage into an area of misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and frustration. With emotions already running high during pregnancy and post-partum, couples need to feel connected more than ever. And if you’re able to maintain a romantic and physical bond, it will make this period in your life even sweeter. Here are some tips from women who’ve been there.
Romance During Pregnancy
All kinds of things are going to be different in the romance department during pregnancy, and a couple of major factors will determine whether your pregnancy is filled with love and sex - or just the occasional peck on the cheek. Many women fear that their husbands won’t be attracted to their pregnant body, and the truth is that some men do have an Elvis-type of aversion (rumor is that he had a hands-off policy during and after his wife’s pregnancy).
Meredith, 29, grew extremely frustrated by her husband’s lack of interest. “Brian had always been the friskier one, and it didn’t occur to me that his attitude would change when I was pregnant with our son,” she says. “But as soon as I started to show, he made all kinds of excuses to avoid sex, so I finally confronted him. He claimed that when I started getting the baby bump, it made the pregnancy more real to him, and it weirded him out to do ‘that’ so close to where his child was developing. I tempted him into intimacy a few times, but I mostly just had to wait it out. Luckily, he’s back to his old tricks now that the baby is here.”
Other men still find their wives sexy, but they avoid sex because they’re afraid of hurting the baby. If that’s the case with your husband, a heart-to-heart talk may relieve some of his anxiety, as can a visit to your doctor, who can assure your husband that lovemaking poses no threat to the baby (assuming you don’t have risk factors for premature labor).
Most men, however, have no such qualms about intimacy during their wife’s pregnancy; in fact, they enjoy the new curves their wife sports during this time. Instead, it’s typically women who put the brakes on physical intimacy. It took Patricia, 34, almost seven months to find her libido. “At first, morning sickness and all-day fatigue made even the thought of sex impossible. When the second trimester rolled around, both my husband and I were looking forward to reclaiming our active sex life, but I still wasn’t in the mood. Around seven and a half months, though, I gradually felt a return to my sexy self - just in time to work around my huge belly!”
Don’t be surprised if your experience mirrors Patricia’s. A quick poll of my girlfriends reveals that many of them felt like being most “active” during the final trimester. “It’s a myth that the farther along you get, the more your sex drive drops,” says my friend, Grace. “In the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I was so hot to trot that I was actually waking my husband up in the middle of the night for quickies. He was such a good sport about it. Only now that the hormones have worn off do I realize what a trooper he was. Lord knows if he tried to wake me up in the middle of the night for sex, I’d slap him.”
Of course, there’s much more to romance than sex. If one or both of you aren’t in the mood for lovemaking - or the doctor has declared it off limits for medical reasons - there are still plenty of ways to keep your connection strong. Simple things like eating dinner together, holding hands while you’re running errands, going on dates, cuddling in front of the television, or giving your spouse’s rear end a pat as you walk by will ensure that you feel close. And when you feel intimate, it’s much more likely that you’ll act intimate.
Her husband’s little gestures made all the difference for Kelly, 34. “With my second pregnancy, I was shocked at how uninterested I was. I just felt drained 24 hours a day - working full-time, chasing after my two-year-old, trying to keep the house semi-clean, and fighting through the constant fatigue of pregnancy - it was as much as I could do to work up the desire to kiss my husband, let alone do anything else. Dave was so sweet, though. He didn’t pressure me, offered to rub my feet at the end of the day, and he always called me ‘hot mama’ and gave me a little smooch when we passed in the hall. One night I realized how awesome he had been for months on end, and it was like a switch flipped in my head. I still wasn’t in the mood for sex very often, but I made sure he knew how much I loved and appreciated him. It was truly one of the best periods of our marriage.”
Many couples today take a “babymoon” a couple of months before their baby is due. It’s a great way to spend some quality time focused only on each other before the exciting - and exhausting - stage ahead. Whether you go to an exotic destination and lie on the beach or just to a local hotel and order room service for a couple of days, going away together is a sure-fire way to reconnect. “When I was seven months pregnant, my husband and I drove to this quaint little town about four hours from our home and spent three days eating, shopping, and making love in an adorable bed-and-breakfast. We didn’t spend a lot of money, but two years later, we still talk about what a great time we had - and how much sex we had!”
Romance After Baby
Once your little bundle of joy is born, you may think back to those pre-baby days and wonder why on earth you couldn’t find time for trysts back then. Now is the time you’ll be fairly certain that you’ll never have the time or energy for a roll in the hay again. Ever. Getting back on that particular horse won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it to your relationship to make it happen.
It’s been at least six weeks since you’ve been intimate, and you may feel like you need to ease into it. Many women don’t feel like being physically intimate if they’re not feeling emotionally intimate with their spouse. So plan activities or situations that allow you to talk. Put the baby in a stroller and go for a walk, work side by side on putting together all of those complicated baby toys, or curl up on the couch and listen to your favorite music after the baby goes to bed. And if your mom offers to babysit while you two have a date night, don’t see a movie! Go to a quiet restaurant where you can, yes, talk.
Doing things together - even something as simple as giving the baby a bath together - allows you to fully appreciate and revel in this new life you’ve created. For lots of couples, bonding as a family can lead to bonding as a couple. “There’s nothing sexier than seeing my husband care for or play with our three-month-old son, Alex,” says Sara, 32. “Forget the flowers and candy. If I see John reading a book with Alex, my clothes are already halfway off by the time they’ve reached ‘Once upon a time.’”
It sounds contrary to the advice above, but it’s also helpful if you do things separately. Give each other time away from being a parent to recharge your batteries. Maybe that means watching the baby while your husband takes in a ballgame with his brother. And then he can take over while you get your nails done. When you come back together after you’ve had some “me time,” you’ll both be fresher and ready to engage with each other.
Perhaps the most important ingredient in returning to intimacy after your baby is born is sleep. During the first few months when sleep is still a precious commodity, take turns napping while the other one has baby duty. There’s nothing like feeling rested to get the romantic juices flowing again. “I’m not exaggerating when I say that napping saved my marriage after my daughter was born,” says Marissa, 28. “On Saturdays, my husband would take the baby from me and order me to take a nap. Two hours later, I felt like a new woman - a horny new woman.”
For some women, their post-pregnancy body holds them back from reclaiming their sex life. Mia, 26, says that she couldn’t bring herself to get naked in front of her husband with the extra weight she was carrying around. “I know how much my husband, Chris, liked my pre-baby figure, and I figured that he wouldn’t find me attractive with 20 extra pounds, new stretch marks, and dark circles under my eyes. I sure didn’t feel sexy, and I didn’t even feel confident enough to talk to him about it. Two months after our daughter was born, Chris finally initiated a conversation about the situation. He assured me that he found me more beautiful than ever, and let’s just say he proved it a little later that night!”
As Mia discovered, the key to keeping your connection strong during and after pregnancy is communication. Talking, touching, and laughing may lead to more exciting possibilities - and it can also make an already memorable time in your lives even more so.
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