Womb to Bloom - Maternity & Beyond

What it is about a pregnant belly that makes you a target for unsolicited advice?  Have you noticed that moms-to-be are bombarded by “helpful” comments from every well meaning co-worker, neighbor, and relative?  Even complete strangers feel free to give you their opinions when you’re about to have a baby.

People feel comfortable saying things to pregnant women that they would never say otherwise.  Maybe they think that pregnant women and new moms are tender, motherly, friendly, and therefore open to random comments from everybody and their dog?  I don’t know, but it’s definitely an issue every mother has to deal with from the day she starts wearing maternity clothes.  I’ll never forget the lady who told me she thought I was just bloated because it was “that time of the month” when I was four months pregnant and first announced that I was expecting.  I was her child’s teacher.  Who says something like that to their child’s teacher?

For some bizarre reason, people drop their etiquette guard when talking to a woman with a baby on board.  They even feel perfectly comfortable expressing their views about your weight gain.  No one in their right mind would tell a woman she looked huge, or that she looked like she was having twins – unless said woman happens to be pregnant.  Like pregnant women want to be told they’re as big as a house.  What are people thinking?

In addition to the ridiculous comments about your appearance, there is also the advice issue to deal with.  Everybody has their own expert opinion about everything from naming the baby to feeding the baby, and a million other topics in between.  If you’re really lucky, the advice will be accompanied by a long, drawn-out story about the speaker’s personal experiences with their own babies. 

The absolute worst, though, is the classic TMI – Too Much Information.  Yes, labor and delivery is painful, but do you have to be reminded of the gory details while you’re expecting?  Your neighbor wants to tell you about her 36-hour labor and subsequent c-section because…why?  Everyone knows new parents don’t get much sleep, so the endless references to how tired you’ll be in a few months are irritating, to say the least.  And then there are the truly personal issues that people don’t discuss in polite company – unless the polite company is pregnant.  Stretch marks, hemorrhoids, and sore breasts are just a few of the things you would rather not discuss with the checker at the grocery store, but she’s very likely to bring them up if you’re pregnant.

Family members tend to get into the really hard-core advice that can make your blood boil if you don’t remember to take a deep breath and count to ten.  Your mother has a list of family names for you use for the baby – first name or middle, she doesn’t care, as long as you use one.  Your sister nonchalantly tells you that your clothes make you look more fat than pregnant.  Your mother-in-law rattles off a different story every time you see her, each one with the same general theme of how important it is for grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren.  The fun never ends!

All this uninvited attention can put you in a mood fast, especially with all those hormones flowing through your veins.  So how do you handle the pseudo-experts that grace you with their words of wisdom?

First of all, keep an open mind.  With all that free advice floating around, you just might learn something if you listen closely.  One reason people feel the need to share their experiences with you is because hindsight is 20/20, and they wish they had known then what they know now.  If you take enough mental notes, you might be able to learn from their mistakes and their discoveries.  You’ll make plenty of parental mistakes and discoveries of your own, but it’s nice to avoid a few if you can.

Second, don’t hesitate to set boundaries when necessary.  This is especially important with family members, some of whom still think of you in pigtails and lace-trimmed socks.  Some people need a gentle reminder that you’re an adult and perfectly capable of taking care of a baby your own way.  They won’t always agree with how you handle things, but they have to respect your right to make your own parenting decisions.  Setting boundaries with strangers might mean politely informing them that you’re not comfortable discussing your bra size in public.  Then again, maybe you don’t mind getting personal with people you meet in passing – everyone is different.  Just give clear signals to let everyone know where you stand.

Finally, keep it all in perspective.  Try to remember that most people mean well… except maybe your sister…and possibly your mother-in-law.  Everybody loves new baby, and they just want to be a part of the joyful experience.  Mothers of older children get nostalgic when they see a pregnant woman, and they can’t help sharing their memories – both good and bad.  Instead of letting frustration get the best of you, take a second to appreciate your pregnancy experience.  Someday you may be the one who’s itching to share your baby stories with a pregnant acquaintance, so do unto others…  You’ll be glad you did.