Womb to Bloom - Maternity & Beyond

Most pregnant couples have questions about sex during pregnancy.  Some couples find that what was previously a happy sexual relationship becomes strained during pregnancy.  They wonder about the possible effects on the baby – not to mention their relationship.  When I was pregnant with my daughter my husband kept saying, “It just feels like I’m invading her space!”  We’ll put to rest some of your concerns and give you some new ideas to help your relationship stay as healthy and fulfilling as you deserve it to be.

Question: Is sex during pregnancy safe?
Answer: Yes, except in certain circumstances.

If your pregnancy is progressing in a “normal” way, sex is perfectly safe.  Your doctor or midwife will certainly let you know if you should stop having sex.  Some of the reasons you might have to stop having sex are:

• If you have a history of pre-term (before 36 weeks) labor, you’ll be discouraged from having intercourse.  The hormones that are released at orgasm are the same that are released during birth.  You don’t want to trick your body into thinking that it’s time to deliver the baby.  If you don’t have a history of pre-term labor and if you’re cervix is holding up properly (see below), these hormones won’t affect your baby at all.  In fact, he might actually enjoy the rush of relaxing hormones that he’ll receive!  When my midwife wanted to induce labor at 38 weeks, she said, “Take long walks and have lots of sex!”  My husband took her instructions very seriously…
• If you have been told that you have an “incompetent cervix”, you should definitely refrain from intercourse.  As the baby grows larger, she can put a lot of pressure on the cervix and in a few cases the cervix weakens and begins to open before the baby is ready to be born.
• “Placenta Previa” is the term for a placenta that is lying low in your belly, next to or covering your cervix.  If you have this condition, do not have sex.
• Some practitioners suggest that if you are carrying multiples, especially three or more, you should refrain from sexual relations.  As with any question you might have, discuss this with your doctor or midwife.
• If you are bleeding or your water has broken, do not have sex.  And call your doctor!
• Do not have sex with anyone who might give you a sexually transmitted disease.  STD’s can easily be passed to your baby during pregnancy or delivery.  If you do not know your partner’s sexual history, make sure to use either male or female latex condoms.

Those are most of the specific medical reasons for avoiding sex during pregnancy.  These issues are rare.  If you have any questions at all about the safety of sex, talk to your doctor or midwife.  If they tell you not to have sex at any point in the pregnancy, make sure you ask why.  Otherwise, go ahead and have fun!

And here’s the good news: because of increased blood flow and fluctuating hormones, most women actually enjoy sex while pregnant and many experience multiple orgasm for the first time while pregnant! 

Question: So, how does sex affect the baby?
Answer: Not at all.

Believe it or not, your baby has absolutely no idea what’s going on.  He is cushioned by the amniotic sac and the thick mucous plug that is helping to keep the cervix closed.  If anything, the baby will only feel a slight rocking motion and a rush of pleasurable, relaxing hormones at the end, both of which will probably lull him right to sleep.  So really, let this fear go.  Your baby doesn’t know, and even if he did, he probably wouldn’t care.  After all, he hasn’t yet learned our society’s ideas about sex.

Some women worry that after orgasm they feel cramping in their uterus.  This is entirely normal and cannot hurt the baby, as long as the cramping fades within an hour.  If you have any cramping that is severe or lasts longer than an hour you should always call your practitioner.

Question: I just don’t feel sexy anymore.  Is this normal?
Answer: Of course!  But…

I heard a midwife say once, “I like really hunky men.  I’m attracted to men that look like men, who are big and strong.  My husband loved my pregnant body.  I mean, what is more feminine than a pregnant woman?”  For most men, their pregnant wife’s body is a thing of wonder and, yes, it can be a big turn-on.  Couple that with the lack of worries over contraception, the increased blood flow to your pelvis and that all-around pregnancy glow… hey, girl, you can be pretty hard to resist!

I know that you might still feel more like a frolicking walrus than a sex goddess at times.  Of course that’s normal!  Just remember that feeling sexy has a lot more to do with how confident you feel on the inside than in your appearance.  And you can still do things to help you feel sexy again.  Get a great haircut, go for a pedicure, show up for bed wearing nothing but your glasses and your high heals…  Sexy isn’t a look, it’s a feeling.

Question: What is the best way to help my husband understand my insecurities?
Answer: Loving communication.

This is a great time to strengthen the communication patterns in your relationship.  And believe me, you’re going to need strong communication once you’re parents of a teenager!  Look, this baby was made in love, you will birth this baby in love, you will nurture your baby together in love.  This is your time to nurture your relationship with loving communication.

Just tell him where you are, how you’re feeling, how he can support you.  Here’s what one wise dad told me about his experience with this: "Pregnant women get frustrated about things that normally wouldn't bother them, and we (the men) just need to be a listening ear. If she asks for advice, give it to her minimally; she does not want someone to fix-it in most cases.  She just wants someone to listen to her."  Amen.

Sometimes, we just need our partner to listen, to hold us and love us.  Sometimes, our partners need the same things, so make sure there’s a two-way street going in your relationship.  This will not only strengthen your love for each other, but it will also help you to a more fulfilling, engaging sex life as you open up to each other about your feelings and desires. 

Question: I’m afraid that if I don’t want to have sex, my husband will take it personally.  What can I do?
Answer: Intimacy is about a lot more than sex.

The truth is that as you go through the different stages of your pregnancy, your desire for sex will come and go.  A lot of women find that in their first trimester they may be too fatigued and nauseous for sex.  Often, the urge comes back with a vengeance in the second trimester, only to diminish again towards the end of the pregnancy.

Don’t let a lack of sexual desire rob your relationship of its intimacy.  Communicating with your partner about how you feel, emotionally and physically, is an important step in maintaining intimacy.  And remember, intimacy is not just about sex.  You can still kiss and cuddle and caress each other. 

And, yes, he might get frustrated with your lack of desire or energy for sex.  That’s when it’s your turn to listen sympathetically and work to support him.  It might take some creativity on your part.

Question: Sex is getting so awkward as my belly grows.  Are there more comfortable positions I can try?
Answer: Yes.  Creativity is key…

There are definitely some positions and techniques that are more comfortable as your pregnancy – and your belly – progresses.  Some couples find that experimenting with different positions is not only fun, but it opens a better line of communication about sex.  So relax and have some fun!

• Spooning – lie on your side with your husband behind you, entering you from behind.  This position is great because penetration is more shallow, so he won’t bump into your cervix.
• Lay on your back with a pillow or two lodged under one side, so you’re mostly on one side.  Lift your knee, supporting it with one hand.  He kneels before you.  This position can feel really vulnerable at first, and it’s very intimate, with your body and face in full view.  This position also makes is easy for one of you to stimulate the clitoris and can lead to multiple orgasms.
• All fours – get on hands and knees.  He enters from behind.  Most women find this position more comfortable if the belly is supported by several pillows.
• Oral sex may be a great way to satisfy each other when intercourse isn’t an option.  Just make sure that he doesn’t blow air into your vagina, which can cause an air bubble to form in your blood – potentially lethal.  But who does this?  I’ve never heard of anyone blowing air into someone’s vagina.  Am I missing something here? Pregnant or not, I'm not a balloon.
  

I’ll just stop there and let your own creativity take over.  Hopefully you’ve gotten enough ideas to get started with!

Question: When can we have sex again after the baby is born?
Answer: Most doctors suggest that you refrain from intercourse for the first six weeks.

Make sure you wait at least until your first post-natal checkup and talk to your doctor then.  If you find yourself after six week feeling anything but ready for intercourse, join the club!  A lot of fear can arise after delivering a baby.  What if I get pregnant again?  What if he’s turned off by my body?  What if my vagina doesn’t feel the same?  What if I’m just too darn tired to even think about having sex?

These are all common concerns and the best way to get past them is, you guessed it, open, loving communication with your partner.  It’s okay to wait until you’re physically and emotionally ready (that’s what you’ll be telling your children in the years to come, right?).  Just keep those lines of communication open with empathy and kindness.

Question: Will our sex life ever get back to normal?
Answer: “Normal” is such a relative term when you’re parenting a newborn, but the answer is a resounding “Yes!”

Here’s what’s going to happen: you’ll start loosing the baby weight and you’re going to begin to feel more comfortable with your body.  Then you’ll figure out the best contraceptive for your body and relationship.  Then your baby will start to sleep for longer stretches at a time, giving you more rest and freedom.  And, before you know it, you and your partner are enjoying a satisfying, loving and fun sexual relationship again.  And hopefully, you have even more emotional intimacy because of the healthy communication patterns that you established when you were pregnant.