Womb to Bloom - Maternity & Beyond

“I hope you’re planning on breast-feeding your baby,” I heard from the lady in the produce section.  I was about eight months pregnant, my belly proudly leading my way around the store.  I was, in fact, planning to breast feed, but I didn’t really see that it was any of her business.  She proceeded to inform me that all five of her children had been nursed years ago and that they were all highly productive citizens now – as if the two statements were even remotely related!

The unsolicited advice starts as soon as people can visibly tell that you’re pregnant.  At first it’s kind of fun.  It’s nice that perfect strangers want to share in your joy and want to lend you a bit of their own knowledge and life experience.  Everybody from your mother to your UPS driver will have advice for you.  Some of it will be practical and some of it will seem incredibly invasive and personal.  There’s a fine line to be drawn in balancing this well-intentioned meddling and learning how to trust your own instincts.

When I was pregnant, I seemed to get unsolicited advice about everything from what shoes to wear to whether or not to use an epidural at delivery.  The advice kept rolling in once the baby was born.  I was told that I wasn’t burping him right, that I was spoiling him rotten by holding him too much, that I shouldn’t nurse him while lying down no matter how exhausted I was… I was even told not to take him with me to the grocery store because it exposed him to too many germs.  I was a single mom.  What was I supposed to do, leave him at home alone to fend for himself while I jaunted off to the market?

Eventually I came to see all of this advice from a sociological perspective.  First of all, the tribe was engaging to make sure that the young of the species thrived.   Ten thousand years ago, (maybe even just fifty years ago) it was the older generation’s responsibility to ensure the safety of the young.  It’s embedded in our DNA.  And those elders, who used to be revered and honored, were simply offering me their sacred wisdom.  I learned to see all of the unsolicited advice as a natural result of society’s push to survive and people’s longings to connect and share themselves with others.

The challenge comes when you begin to feel judged instead of supported.  Don’t let other’s comments get to you.  People who are giving you advice, no matter how well intentioned, are only seeing a slice of your life.  No matter who it is, they don’t know the whole story because they’re not there for every precious moment you share with your baby.  They are seeing a snapshot of your life and are making judgments based on that one picture and their own experience.  Advice often has much more to do with the giver than the receiver.

This is actually a little scary when you consider some of the parenting advice you’ll hear.  I heard a story about someone who was trying to keep his restless one-year-old in the stroller for just one more block.  A passer-by, completely seriously, suggested that he tie a rope around his child’s chest, confining him to the stroller.  Or what about the person who informed me that a little dab of Tabasco sauce on my nipples would be a great way to wean my son?  (I shuddered to consider the implications of that one for his future wife!)

Of course, not all of the advice you’ll receive will be so bazaar.  Most people are caring and considerate and actually have your baby’s best interests at heart.  And whether they’re really judging you or just trying to help you, I firmly believe that advice-giving is done with the best of intentions.  So getting frustrated with it (like I occasionally did) is really pretty useless.  The trick is in accepting advice graciously, keeping what you need, and discarding the rest quietly, like a gift of fruitcake.

It can be hard for new parents to stand in their own authority.  After all, these people giving you advice are often older; many have been through the trenches of child rearing; all desire nothing but the best for you and your baby.  It can be especially difficult to question the advice of people we know and respect.  The important thing to remember is that advice is just that: a suggestion.  That’s all.  Advice is not the rule, it’s not the law.  It’s just a recommendation.

As you can probably tell just by the fact that I’m writing this, I love to dole out advice – especially parenting advice.  But now that I’ve been on the receiving end of so much advice, I’ve learned to wait until someone asks before opening my big mouth.  Now, even when I see my best friend giving her daughter juice bottles at naptime (I mean, oh my gosh, who still does that?), I keep my thoughts to myself until she asks.  Luckily for me, she’s pretty good about asking for advice, so I have good chances to put my two cents in.

But guess what?  Excellent though my advice is, she doesn’t always take it.  And I refuse to judge her for it.  She’s a great mom, loving and attentive and kind.  And she’s learning to make her own way, to forge her own path on this parenting journey.  Just like the rest of us.

With both of my pregnancies, I spent the entire nine months reading everything I could get my hands on.  I learned everything I could about pregnancy and parenting, wanting to be as prepared as I could be for this great adventure.  I actively searched out advice and information to help bolster my parenting self-esteem.  I actively listened to my grandmother, my midwife, my child-bearing and childless friends and even the strangers on the street.  I didn’t know how to trust myself, so I placed my trust in others.  I approached everything having to do with my baby with what a Buddhist might call a “questioning mind.”

But every single piece of information and advice comes with a task: you have to think about it and decide for yourself what you’ll use and what you won’t.  In the end, you are the authority on your baby and your life and no one but you can make these important decisions.  That doesn’t mean that you won’t be occasionally plagued by self-doubt.  It doesn’t mean that you know everything there is to know. 

It means that you trust yourself to make great choices for your baby.  After all, who else knows your baby like you do?  Who has spent hours holding your baby, adoring her every inch of skin?  Who has spent the time that you have thinking about her, dreaming about her, meditating on her eyes, praying for her health and happiness?  The sooner you can claim your authority, the better for you and for your baby.

The truth is that we all have moments of fear and doubt.  No one is a perfect parent and sometimes advice is needed and appreciated.  Just remember to retain your own power over your life by making conscious choices about all of that incoming information.  You have the three things you need to be a great parent – love, love and love.  Everything else is just details.