Thankfully, my husband and I only had two sets of new grandparents to deal with immediately before and after the births of our children. I’m not sure that I (or they) would have survived if there were more than just the four of them. They were all terribly excited for each birth. A little too excited. And, while they won’t admit it, they are a bit competitive with each other. The combination was very, very stressful for me. And, I probably don’t need to remind you if you’re reading this but, having your first baby? Is pretty stressful and anxiety-ridden to begin with.
My in-laws live out-of-town. So, I knew that they would come for a substantial visit when our son was born. I envisioned my house being taken over by my mother-in-law – wanting to do everything including taking over baby care. I envisioned having guests in my home while recovering from childbirth (yes, my husband’s parents may be his parents and my kids’ grandparents but they are still guests to me). I envisioned being completely unable to relax and enjoy my new child for however long they decided to stay. I was a wreck.
My husband called them after we found out that I was going to be induced and they flew up immediately. We gathered the grandparents at our house the night before I was scheduled to go to the hospital and ordered some pizza. We explained that we (emphasis on the “we” so that no one’s mother or father felt bullied or slighted) wanted to be the only ones in the labor and delivery room for the entire day. We wouldn’t be taking any visitors, even during the early stages of labor. So, we asked that they wait until we called before they came up to the hospital. I didn’t want to feel like our mothers were lurking outside my delivery room door waiting to hear the baby cry.
At some point the next afternoon, my labor was progressing but I was still a while away from delivering our son. My husband came back from taking a walk and getting a snack to tell me that he had run into his parents in the waiting room. I was furious that they had disrespected our express instructions. Ultimately, they stayed in the waiting room and there was really no harm other than to my feelings and my trust in them. And I let it slide. But I didn’t forget it and I swore that we would be much more firm in the future. (Oh, and I made everyone wait quite a while after he was born before I invited anyone in to meet him. My secret little punishment for them – I know, I know, sometimes I act a little bit like I’m in junior high. But, hey! They ticked me off.)
Over the years, after a few kids, I mellowed a bit, learned to be a bit more patient. But fast forward to the weeks leading up to the birth of my twins. I knew that I would need some serious help after they were born, especially if I was going to have a c-section. I also had two other kids who would need to get to school and to their activities while I was in the hospital and recovering from surgery. My plan was to ask my in-laws to fly up and stay at our house with the big kids while I was in the hospital.
When I asked my father-in-law, he of course immediately agreed but kept subtly pushing and pushing to extend the visit. By the time I got off the phone with him, I was in tears and told my husband that his dad was pushing to stay for over two weeks. My husband picked up the phone, called his father and told him which day to arrive and which day (seven days later) they should leave. I had never been more proud of my husband and his sense of commitment to me and our family. Ridiculously sappy, I know. But true.
A few days later, I had to have a similar moment with my own mother. She was making all kinds of plans about bringing my big kids to the hospital to meet the babies after they were born. She didn’t ask me about these plans first, of course. She had just decided. As it was my mother, I had no qualms stopping her immediately and telling her that she would in no way be dictating the schedule of events. I would decide when the kids could come to the hospital and then my husband would bring them.
I was not going to mediate a tense situation between grandparents for a week just because one set of them got to introduce the big kids to babies and got see the babies first. And it was important to my husband and to me to share the new babies with the first babies without the distraction of grandparents. This was our new not-so-little-anymore family. And, make no mistake, our parents are an important part of our family and of our kids’ lives but these were our children and our choices.
What I’ve learned after four births is to be firm and to set boundaries. And present a united front with your partner so that you don’t come off as “the bad guy.” Easier said than done, of course. When you get home from the hospital, you may have a whole new set of boundaries to establish. Most moms (now grandmas) – even the overbearing ones – really want nothing more than to help you. But you have to be the one to let them know how to best help you.
Grandma taking over baby care while leaving you to clean the kitchen probably isn’t the help you’re anticipating or wanting. It may be easiest to just make a to-do list for them to tackle. And if you’re breastfeeding, use that time every few hours to disappear to your own room with your baby for however long you need to disappear. I’d venture to guess that most (though not all) parents and in-laws will respect your desire for privacy while nursing. Use it to your advantage!
You will make decisions for your child for a very, very long time. Those decisions begin even before birth and include the birth process. While your parents and in-laws are very rightfully excited and interested and opinionated, this is your child. They made decisions for their children, you’ll make decisions for yours. Be vocal with your wishes and be firm. It is imperative that you and your partner be on the same page with regard to your choices.
Don’t wait until the time is at hand to have these conversations with your partner and with your child’s grandparents. Everything will go smoother if all have realistic expectations. If all else fails, you can always ask your mother-in-law if she appreciated being told what to do by her mother-in-law when your husband was a baby. (No, don’t do that, although it is my fantasy...) But you do need to figure out a way to live and let live – these are the grandparents of your child and will be forever.
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