Friends and family who are looking for the perfect gift for a new mother can consider giving her something that is infinitely more precious than a bundle of baby clothes or a bunch of flowers.
What a new mother is in most desperate need of when she gets home with her baby is time: time for a relaxing bath, time to sleep, time to have an uninterrupted meal with her husband or partner, time to read a story to her older child without having to cut it short to care for the baby.
When people used to live in extended family groups there were plenty of hands available to rock the baby, play with the older children, share cooking duties. Now a new mother can often be at home all day with only the baby for company and all these tasks fall on her. Not only is she sleep-deprived and recovering physically from the birth, but she is also making huge mental adjustments to adapt to life with a small baby, who takes over every moment of her life and has the instincts of a dictator-in-the-making!
Giving a new mother the gift of an hour of your time at regular intervals could be a life-saver for her - it will certainly preserve her sanity and give her a much needed break to re-charge her batteries.
How you can help depends on your relationship with her and her circumstances and personality but here are some ideas:
The hardest time for a new mother can be in the week, when Dad is at work and she is on her own from morning till evening. Sometimes just finding the time to shower and dress seems like an impossible task. If you live close by and have free time in the week offer to go round a couple of mornings a week and take care of the baby for an hour, so that she can have a long relaxed bath, read a book, catch up on e-mails and have some time just to be, without worrying about the baby. Even if the baby is sleeping, having you there will allow her to relax and switch off from red alert mode for a precious hour.
If this is a second child and there is an older toddler or child in the picture an extra pair of hands is even more welcome. This is a time of adjustment for the toddler too, so be flexible about where your help is most needed. The obvious thing might seem to be to take the older child off Mom's hands for a bit and take him out to play in the park, but perhaps he is feeling unsettled by the new baby and needs some one-on-one time with Mom to reassure him. If this is the case you can whisk away this usurper that is demanding all Mom's attention for a little while, into another room or for a stroll in the pram, while he gets some uninterrupted story time with her. This could be all he needs to restore the balance and make life easier for everyone for the rest of the day.
Another hectic time of the day often comes around the five o'clock mark. This is the time that everyone is tired and suddenly supper needs cooking, baby needs bathing, there are toys everywhere underfoot, laundry that still needs hanging out to dry or getting in off the line, and tempers get frayed very easily. Popping by to help, either by cooking a meal, taking over the bath routine or quickly doing a few chores could be a huge help, especially if Dad often gets home late from work, as those last couple of hours alone are often the last straw.
Sometimes all a mother with a baby needs is some adult company, someone to talk to while she is involved in an endless round of feeding, changing, burping and rocking the baby. Someone to make her a cup of tea, or answer the phone while she is chained to the sofa by feeds that seem to last for ever, someone to take the dog out for a walk and soothe its feelings of rejection now the new baby has put its nose out of joint!
For pregnant Moms who already have a toddler or older children your gift of time would be welcomed even before the baby's arrival. If you can spend regular time with her toddler, build up a relationship with him before the baby comes and get to know his routines, likes and dislikes, then you can be an invaluable help and provider of peace of mind when the baby is due. Many moms-to-be are lucky enough to have their own Moms come to stay with them to help out when the baby is due, but what about the rest who have a mother that lives too far away or who has too many commitments to be able to drop everything and spend maybe two or three weeks waiting for the baby to make its appearance?
Or what about the baby that shows up two weeks early, when Grandma hasn't even packed her bags yet? Having one or two local friends or family members on standby to come and take care of the toddler when Mom goes into labor can be an immense weight off her mind. It means that her husband will be free to support her through the birth and she can be sure that her first child is with someone that knows his routines and that he is familiar with, so there is no more upheaval than necessary in his life. A toddler is bound to be unsettled by Mom's sudden disappearance in a flurry of bags and contractions but if he is left with someone he is comfortable with in his own home, then it shouldn't be any more traumatic than being baby-sat for an evening.
Be sensitive to what your friend needs when offering help. Some mothers don't want to be parted from their babies for a minute, but might welcome a hand with the chores. Others feel like they would hand the baby over to the postman to get some time to themselves and some peace and quiet!
Give your time in a relaxed and non-judgmental way - you don't want her to feel she has to tidy the house for your visit, as that completely negates the value of your gift. You're offering your time and hands for whatever is going to be of the most help to her, so be flexible and don't take it personally if your generous offer to wheel the baby out for an airing is not welcomed with open arms - it can take a while for a mother to feel relaxed enough about others taking her baby out of her sight. She might prefer to come for a walk with you and the baby and enjoy your company for a while, instead of taking advantage of the time to herself that you were trying to give her.
So even though you can't tie it up with a ribbon, your gift will be valued and remembered far longer than a baby outfit that will be out-grown in a few weeks. The first sets of hands that were there to hold my babies are all still part of our lives and have formed close bonds with my growing children even though some now live far away. The gift of time is a gift of love and there can never be too much of that in a baby's or a mother's life!
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