We all know what mom is supposed to do on the big day. She’s the one with the baby. But what’s dad’s job? Your childbirth class may have prepared you both for certain aspect of the delivery process – breathing, focusing, pushing and the like. But when that day actually comes, there’s much more to birthing than contractions and pushing. Oh, contractions and pushing are still the biggest thing going on your baby’s birthday. But dad has a few more roles than breathing coach.
Dad’s job starts at home. When mom packs her bag for the hospital, dad should think about one too. At least, make a list of what to take. Maybe a change of clothes. Definitely a mobile phone and camera with battery chargers. When labor starts, dad will need to know how to time contractions as mom may get distracted from keeping track of the time by her discomfort. And he’ll need to know the guidelines for calling the doctor and heading to the hospital. Mom doesn’t need to be explaining all of this to him between contractions.
Talk to your wife beforehand and make a few mutual decisions: Do you want video or just pictures? Will anyone else be in the delivery room with the two of you (other than the medical team)? Who will cut the cord? What is the basic birth plan?
Once you get to the hospital or birthing center, dad should pay close attention to the verbal and non-verbal cues that mom provides. We have a few instances of the “evil eye” on videotape from my first labor – my husband was completely enamored of his new video camera to my distinct displeasure. If mom has not given birth before, she may not know what she wants or needs until she wants or needs it. Some women like soothing touch during contractions. Others might take a swing at you if they are touched at all. Just go with the flow and don’t get your feelings hurt.
Regardless of my annoyance with my husband’s filmmaking obsession at the time, I actually love that we have the video. There is nothing distasteful recorded. A lot of early and second stage labor. A lot of clock-watching and monitor explanation. My husband’s job as photographer and videographer that day was done wonderfully. I’m usually the one with the camera at our house but it was just so important to me to have those pictures. So, dads – recording the moments and memories is one of your big jobs on the delivery date too.
Dad’s biggest job though is be mom’s emotional support throughout the day. The idea of becoming a parent may scare you but the physical process of becoming a parent scares your partner. Whether your baby’s delivery is vaginal or by c-section, mom is likely anxious or scared or panicked. And dad, you may be the best and only person to soothe those fears and get her through the day unscathed. You know her better than anyone. Your baby and your doctor want a calm momma in that delivery room. Reassure her. Keep her on track with her breathing. Help her remember the pushing tips you learned in your childbirth class. Be ready with ice chips, a distraction and a kind word if she needs it.
In certain instances, you may need to advocate for your partner. She is physically and emotionally compromised during labor and may, on occasion, need your help. Be aware of the birth plan and pay attention to see that it is followed as closely as possible. Don’t make her have to worry about it. You may be in a better state to discuss things with the nurse and doctor if things are veering off plan. If there are urgent decisions to be made or questions to ask, step up and do what is best for her and the baby.
When it is time to deliver, remain as calm as possible. Mom needs your stability and support. Help by encouraging her during pushing. Help by holding her legs, feet or hands (follow her lead and that of the nurses). Take a peek to see the baby crown so that you can reassure her that she’s almost there.
After that baby comes out (or during if your partner and doctor agree), grab your camera! Don’t miss the photo of the nurse placing the baby in his mother’s arms for the first time. Then be sure to put the camera down and take your turn. It was at this point after each of my children was born that my husband disappeared into the bathroom and had a good sob.
If the baby goes to the nursery (especially common after a c-section) while mom is in recovery, dad can go along. After taking it all in and reporting dutifully back to mom, dad can start making phone calls and sending texts and emails to family and friends.
Now that I’ve outlined what dad should do, here’s a few things that dad shouldn’t do:
- Don’t have long conversations on your mobile phone with friends and colleagues while your wife labors.
- Don’t constantly check your email via Blackberry.
- Don’t complain about how tired and worn out you are.
- Don’t get irritated if she wants to watch Oprah in early labor instead of ESPN.
- Don’t act bored.
- Don’t bring meals and snacks to the room after she’s been ordered not to eat until after delivery.
- Don’t take crotch shots while documenting the birth unless you’ve cleared it with her first.
- Don’t invite others – especially your mother – into the room while she labors and/or delivers unless you are absolutely sure that it’s okay with her.
- Don’t tell her “here comes a BIG one” while watching the contraction monitor – chances are, she already knows.
Dads who have been there already – what is your best advice for first-timers?
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