When Others Want to Help…How to Say YES!

Many of us have an inherent disability to accept help. If you have been put on doctor prescribed bed rest, however, this is the time to get over it. For once, you literally cannot do much for yourself, and must figure out how to get the tasks of everyday life handled for you. For the lucky few who can easily afford to pay for cleaning, cooking, and childcare help, this is not nearly the stresser it is for most other parents.

For those of us who can’t write a check however, help will be accepted gratefully! If you have the funds, hire someone to clean house. It’s often the most irritating thing to mom when the house isn’t clean, and if you can afford it- even once every couple of weeks, a deep cleaning can make a world of difference.

Some family members or friends will just see what needs to be done and do it. Your mother or sister-in-law may just throw loads of laundry in without asking. Don’t complain. Don’t worry if it’s not being done your way. Just say thank you and relax. (Once I watched my mother fold all my towels in thirds, while I do halves. It started to irk me before I yanked myself back to reality and the fact that not only did it not matter how the stupid towels were folded, how lucky I was to have her there willing to help! Hey, pregnant women are not exactly known for their rational emotions.)

Other family members or friends will genuinely want to help, but won’t be sure what to do, or may feel intrusive grabbing your husband’s dirty skivvies off the bathroom floor. One way you can gently let family know what you need done is to make the good old ‘Honey-Do’ list. ‘Honey’ may or may not get much done, but when your sister comes over and asks how she can help, you can show her the list that hubby just can’t get finished, and she can choose a task. This is one way to keep from feeling to overbearing or overburdening when asking a friend to help- especially if what you really need is for your shower to be scrubbed or the trash taken out!

Prioritize what you really need your spouse or partner to do. Some things are must-do’s. Like laundry and trash. Others are should do’s. Like vacuuming the carpet or cleaning the bathroom. Others are would be nice to do’s if you weren’t on bed rest. Like cleaning out a closet or rearranging your computer desk. A working spouse has limited time outside of a full time job- pick and choose the necessities.

People will often ask, ‘is there anything I can do to help?’ This is the point where your mind goes blank, and you can’t think of one single thing you need done right then.

Fix this problem. Make a list of things you need help with, outside of the ‘honey-do’ list. Ask the person what they’re doing that day- if she is running to the grocery store, ask for a couple of things you need- and keep some cash handy to give her. If she’s going by the post office, ask for a book of stamps, or to drop off outgoing mail. Family and friends are often very willing to do those myriad little things that become such a big deal once you are confined- returning library books or movies, picking up a gallon of milk, or bringing home a bucket of chicken.

One extremely nice thing that my best friend’s mother would do is cook for us. Because my husband worked quite a distance away, his commute often caused him to get home late. She would cook a full meal, often including a pitcher of fresh-brewed iced tea and tossed salad or bread, bring it packed into a cooler (one cold and one hot) and just drop it off. She didn’t expect to be entertained or socialize; she just knew we needed to eat! This meal would often last for a couple of nights, and it was highly appreciated.

Another helpful thing is to be able to send other children out of the house. Grandparents and friends can take the kids out for a movie, or a burger, or to the park, but it needn’t be a special trip. Even a couple of hours out of the house gives mom a break and the kids a change of scenery. For someone who spends all day in bed, you may be surprised at how tired you continue to be as your baby grows.

Last, just enjoy the company of friends and family who visit. Sometimes, a mother confined to bed rest will start to go a bit off-kilter simply due to lack of adult contact. Besides, it may be one of your last chances for several years to have long, uninterrupted grown-up talk! It’s also helpful to keep a pack of thank you notes and stamps near your bed, and dash off notes as you see fit. People love to help, and most of the time, a simple thank you is all they want in return!