Womb to Bloom - Maternity & Beyond

You know that sleep is a precious commodity for new parents, but with most newborns sleeping up to 16 hours a day, you would think parents would be well rested. Ah, no. In fact, after a couple of weeks at home with your new baby, you may be wondering if you’ll ever sleep again. The good news is that relatively soon, your baby will develop better sleeping habits, which means that you, too, will soon be sleeping like a baby. The bad news is that you have to fight through those first sleepless weeks or months to get to the other side. Here’s the real scoop from moms who’ve been there.

The Holy Grail: Sleeping Through the Night
Starting from the time your baby is a few weeks old, people will begin asking, “Is he sleeping through the night yet?” And while your baby is still up four times a night, your first urge may be to strangle the inquirer. You’ll hear stories from moms who brag that their baby slept through the night from the time he came home from the hospital. You’ll also hear horror stories about kids who didn’t sleep through the night until they were five. Neither extreme is normal.

During the intense (and intensely frustrating) early months, it may help your patience level if you understand that your baby waking every three to four hours is necessary - she’s hungry! Babies have small stomachs and digest breast milk and formula quickly. And when their empty fuel tank goes “ding ding ding,” they’ll let you know. This is Mother Nature’s way of ensuring that your baby gets the nutrition he needs. This early on, he’s not manipulating you or crying just for attention. He’s just a growing baby!

You’ll soon notice (though not soon enough, according to most parents) that your baby begins to sleep for longer stretches at night. This is a combination of her not needing to eat as often at night and figuring out that night means sleep. Babies are born with their days and nights out of whack, in part because when they’re in utero, mom is moving around during the day and effectively rocking them to sleep with her movements. At night when mom is asleep is the perfect time to be up and moving - lots of pregnant women can confirm that! And like any new skill, it will take your baby a few weeks or months to learn the ropes.

But what does sleeping through the night mean? Most people say that you can count six hours of sleep as making it through the night. Now, 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. may not seem like “sleeping through the night” to you, but your baby is technically there. For the lucky ones, this can happen around three weeks, but for most parents, it takes at least two months to reach this milestone - and sometimes much longer.

What most moms don’t tell you (or maybe they can’t remember because they’re so tired) is that it’s common for babies to backslide in their sleeping habits. Dawna, 31, found this out the hard way. “My daughter, Julia, started sleeping for six-hour stretches at around 12 weeks, but then two weeks later she was up again two times a night. After the reprieve of those two weeks, I was so depressed to be up again so often. But then she reverted back to her new and improved sleeping habits about a week later. I thought I was the only one on this rollercoaster ride, but several of my friends said the same thing happened to them. I just wish they’d told me that before it happened to me!”

Sleeping through the night is definitely not a linear process. But do not - I repeat - do not be tempted to try dangerous things in an attempt to coerce your baby into longer sleep. You may hear other moms say that they put rice cereal into their baby’s nighttime bottle to fill them up. Or your mom may tell you that you slept much better on your tummy as a baby, suggesting you try that with your son or daughter. Both of these things can be very harmful to your baby - especially the tummy sleeping. Middle-of-the-night wakings will take care of themselves, and it’s not worth putting your little one in jeopardy to hurry it along.

Crying it Out: Lifesaver or Bad Parenting?
The concept of “crying it out” polarizes parents into two camps: one half thinks it’s almost equivalent to child abuse, while the other half says it’s a great way to teach babies how to self-soothe at night. If you’re not comfortable with letting your baby cry it out, there’s absolutely no need to do it. But at some point, nearly every bleary-eyed parent considers it.

There are many ways to practice “crying it out,” including the popular Ferber Method, which instructs parents to go into their crying baby’s room at less frequent intervals. Selina, 23, used this method with her first son. “He still wasn’t sleeping through the night by six months, and I was a mess. My doctor mentioned the Ferber Method, and I resisted for a while. But I finally tried it out of desperation. It took a week for it to work with my son, and I won’t tell you that it didn’t break my heart sometimes, but in the end, it was worth it. He finally learned how to get back to sleep by himself, and I got the first good night of sleep I’d had since he was born.”

Marley, 30, had an even easier experience. “When my daughter was five months old, my husband and I tried the whole ‘cry it out’ thing. The first night, she cried for 20 minutes and has slept through the night ever since. I swear it saved my life.”

For other parents, crying it out doesn’t work - and can, in fact, make nights more difficult. “I gave it two weeks,” says Melissa, 34. “It was excruciating to hear my son cry and not go in his room, but I kept telling myself that it was for his own good. One night he cried for five hours straight and got so upset that he threw up. That was it. I was done Ferberizing. He didn’t sleep through the night until he was about a year old, and while it was definitely hard, I think he just needed that extra time.”

Location, Location, Location
In the endless search for answers about how to get their baby to sleep longer at night, some parents wonder if where the baby sleeps has any impact. The difficult part is that since every baby is different, there’s no hard and fast rule to determine if this is a factor. Jennie, 34, found it was different for each of her two children. “Drew, my oldest, clearly slept better in his own space. He’s been a light sleeper from birth, and even the sound of my husband and I rolling over in bed would wake him in his bassinet. But my second son, Drake, slept in our room for almost a year - first in his bassinet and then in our bed. He cried and cried if he was put to sleep in his nursery.”

Danielle, 28, found that where her baby slept didn’t have any impact on her baby’s sleep, but it definitely impacted her own. “My husband and I set up a bassinet in our room where our daughter slept for the first few weeks. I just couldn’t bear the thought of having her upstairs in her lonely nursery. The problem I had is that every one of her little gurgles, grunts, and sighs was waking me up. She was sleeping as well as could be expected, but I was getting almost zero sleep. I finally told my husband that either she had to sleep in her nursery or I had to sleep on the couch; I just couldn’t sleep in the same room with her. That first night of her sleeping in her own crib was absolute heaven for me. I heard her when she was crying and needed something, but I was able to sleep through all of the normal sounds she made. My advice for other moms is not to let guilt keep you from getting the sleep you need. Your baby will appreciate a better rested mom!”

Some experts say that you should get your baby into good sleep habits from the very beginning, while others maintain that for the first couple of months, the only thing that matters is finding a sleep solution that works for you - even if that means committing “sleep sins” like nursing your baby to sleep or letting her sleep in her swing.

From my own experience, I tend to go with the experts in the second camp. When you’re so tired you’re ready to cry along with your baby, thoughts of long-term sleep habits are the furthest thing from your mind. You just want to find something - anything - that will get you through this night.

And that’s okay!

Remember that whatever arrangement works now doesn’t have to be forever. Do you really think your son will sleep in your bed until he’s 16? Or that your daughter will need to be nursed to sleep for years to come? If you find something that works - even for a few weeks - do it (as long as it’s safe for baby). There’s time later, when you’ve caught up on some sleep, to help your baby develop great sleeping habits.

The Rest of the First Year
When your baby has gotten to around the eight-week mark, it’s probably time to start implementing sleep habits that he can keep. This means trying to put him in his crib (or wherever he sleeps) when he’s drowsy but awake. It can be difficult for parents who’ve used the breast or a pacifier to help their baby into la-la land before putting them down for the night, but it really is crucial to move toward self-sleep. Again, it will take a little while to establish new habits, but eventually your baby will sleep for longer and longer periods, working up to 11 or 12 hours at night.

Once your baby is consistently sleeping through the night, you’ll feel like yourself again. But you may not be completely out of the woods. It’s common for babies to have periods of intermittent fussiness at night, and how you handle that is an individual decision. If you’re a proponent of “crying it out,” you may decide to let the baby work it out by himself. For other parents, this means a temporary return to middle-of-the-night wakings. Older babies probably don’t need food (be careful about using food as a first resort, as it can set you up for many more similar nights), but perhaps a cuddle and a rock will help them get back to sleep quickly.

When your child is sick or teething, sleeping through the night will probably go out the window. And the worst part is that after you’ve been used to sleeping through the night for so long, it may actually seem tougher to get up now. Just remember that your baby’s illness or teething is temporary, and a night of uninterrupted sleep will soon be yours again.

Tips to help encourage sleep for infants:

1. Try not to over-stimulate your baby during nighttime diaper changes. Keep the lights as low as possible, and try not to talk to your baby. She needs to get the idea that it’s nighttime - not play time.
2. Get into a sustainable bedtime routine as soon as possible. This may mean a warm bath, the last bottle of the day, three stories, and a lullaby. Help him link certain activities to “sleep.”
3. Make sure she’s getting enough rest during the day. It seems counter-intuitive, but babies who nap enough during the day sleep better at night. An overly tired baby means a restless, awake baby.