Are you planning for your baby to sleep in his own crib? In his own room? If so, you’re in the minority…around the world, that is. In most cultures, parents share a bed with their babies from the time they’re born, whether due to tradition or space limitations. There’s no discussion about should-we-or-shouldn’t-we; it’s simply a fact of life. But for those of us in the western world, where independence is encouraged from an early age and where we can generally afford to give our children their own beds, it’s not an easy decision.
There are several factors to consider when deciding whether to share a bed with your baby, including what’s optimal for everyone in the family and whether you can provide a safe sleep-sharing environment.
Evaluate the Pros and Cons
For a lot of parents, sleep-sharing starts as nothing more than the answer to exhaustion. “I was breastfeeding my newborn son every two hours, and somewhere in the middle of the night it occurred to me that if I brought him into bed with me, I could just lie there and feed him,” says Nina, 27. “It became so comfortable that even after he was on a more manageable schedule, he just kind of stayed in my bed!”
It can easily become a comfort for parents to have the baby in such close proximity. And for many babies, sharing a sleeping space with their parents leads to better, longer sleep. “Like a lot of new parents, we bought way too much stuff for our baby: a crib, a bassinet, a playard, a baby Moses basket—and she wouldn’t sleep in any of them!” says Nicky, 30. “I saw something on TV about the concept of the family bed, and since we had nothing to lose, we tried bringing her into bed with us. We got a better night’s sleep that night than we had since Zoe was born.”
Keep in mind that what works for one baby doesn’t work for all babies. Marcy and her husband, Elliot, shared a bed with their first two children and assumed that their third child, Matthew, would do the same. But their son had a different idea. “He couldn’t seem to get comfortable, and that meant that we couldn’t get comfortable,” Marcy says. “We tried it off and on for a couple of weeks, but ultimately we put him in his crib, where he slept a lot better than he ever had with us. It was disappointing because Elliot and I loved having our kids with us for a while, but the most important thing was Matthew’s comfort.”
Talk Openly With Your Husband
The idea of sleep-sharing is usually more attractive to moms than to dads. Studies have shown that even when mothers are asleep, they have an inner awareness of where their baby is in the bed. Dads, meanwhile, don’t seem to have this awareness, and this can lead many men to fear that they’ll roll over on their baby in their sleep. “I was so intent on sharing a bed with my new daughter, but my husband was absolutely terrified that he would hurt her,” says Grace, 34. “I asked him to try it for a while, and he did for a couple of nights. But on the third night, he put his foot down. He said he wasn’t getting any sleep because he was so terrified.”
At least Grace’s husband knew what bothered him about the idea of a family bed. Some men can’t put their finger on why they’re hesitant, which is why it’s important that you and your spouse have open conversations about what sleep-sharing means and how each of you feels about it. Lindsay, 26, says her husband couldn’t drift off with all of the little noises their baby was making. “Hearing my daughter’s snorts and snuffles was actually reassuring to me because it meant that she was still breathing (yes, I was one of those mothers), but it was far from soothing for my husband. Mike finally said that if we didn’t move the baby to her own room, he was going to sleep on the couch.”
Which brings us to the impact that sleep-sharing can have on a couple’s relationship. Some parents find that bonding as a family at night brings them closer together as a couple, while other couples find that it prevents them from reestablishing intimacy post-partum. It’s especially important for couples who have a family bed to find time to reconnect as partners, rather than parents. Hire a babysitter for the evening, or make a date for intimacy when the baby naps.
Safety Concerns
Above all, safety should be the deciding factor in your sleep-sharing deliberations, and with the medical community divided, it can be difficult to make a decision. Most notably, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends against sleep-sharing with babies due to concerns about increased risk of suffocation, SIDS, and other potential dangers. However, other experts—including the famous Sears family of pediatricians—believe that it’s beneficial for babies if it’s done in a safe environment.
If you decide that you’d like to sleep-share with your baby, it’s incredibly important that you make it a safe situation for her. To do so, keep these guidelines in mind.
- Never let your baby sleep alone in your bed.
- Don’t allow any pillows or blankets anywhere around the baby. This can be a source of difficulty for some parents—especially moms who are cold blooded and need those blankets.
- Make sure there’s nothing dangling anywhere near the baby: cords, strings on your pajamas, jewelry, etc.
- Just like a baby who sleeps in her own crib, remember to put baby to sleep on her back.The same standards that make cribs safe must be met with your bed. The mattress must be firm (definitely no waterbeds), your headboard and footboards should have no cutouts, and no slats more than 2-3/8 inches apart.
- Don’t drink, take recreational drugs, or sleeping medications if you share a bed with your baby. All of these substances reduce your awareness and can make you sleep heavily, leading to potentially dangerous situations.
- Don’t smoke. Even if you don’t smoke around your baby, studies have shown that babies of parents who smoke have a higher risk of SIDS.
With the rise in the number of U.S. parents choosing to sleep-share, there are more products on the market that make it safer and easier to share a bed with babies. One of the best products for in-bed use is the Snuggle Nest. Meant for babies up to four months old, the Snuggle Nest has breathable walls that give babies their own space in an adult bed.
Another option is a co-sleeper, which is like a miniature crib with its front rail down that secures to mom and dad’s bed. It keeps baby close but still away from any potential danger. If either you or your spouse is nervous about the idea of co-sleeping, while the other is all for it, one of these products could be a great compromise.
Making the Decision
If you decide to give sleep-sharing a try, remember that it’s not forever. Talk with your spouse about how long you would both ideally like it to last, but try to remain flexible too. If it’s just not working for one or both of you after a few weeks or months, it’s okay to change your mind. After all, getting kicked by a sleeping four-month-old may be no big deal, but a three-year old can do some damage.
On the other side of the coin, sleep-sharing works so well for some parents that their kids end up staying in their bed for years. Megan, 31, says, “I had my first child as a single mother, and it seemed natural for my daughter to sleep with me—there wasn’t anyone else in my bed, after all. But I kind of lost track of the years, and before I knew it, she was nine years old and still in my bed. My family thought it was weird, but it never became a problem for me until my current husband and I decided to get married. Try getting a nine-year-old to sleep alone for the first time in her life!”
Keep in mind that the longer you sleep-share, the more difficult it is to transition your child into his or her own bed. That doesn’t mean you should cut short a sleeping arrangement that’s working for you, but you need to be aware that it may be tricky to remove an older child from the only bed she’s ever known. And it’s best not to do it abruptly. Start by having your child sleep on the floor next to your bed, then in the hall, and then finally in her own room over the course of a couple of weeks.
Sleep-sharing is a wonderful way to bond with your baby and is becoming increasingly common in the western world, but it’s not right for everyone. Talk to your spouse and your pediatrician about sleep-sharing, and then make the decision that’s best for your family.
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